Thursday, December 3, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Hey Agent (Yeah, dude?) I’ve got something to sell
I know other writers put you through hell
With their rudeness, impatience, and snoozers they tell
My plot points were weak, and I knew it, Agent
My characters 2-D, I blew it, Agent
Then I studied your blog and improved it, Agent
There’s one thing to say and that’s
Dammit, Agent, I need you…
The word count was long, but I sliced it, Agent
The characters talky, I diced it, Agent
I got carpal tunnel; I iced it, Agent
Now there’s one thing to say and that’s
Dammit, Agent, I need you…
Here’s the script to prove that I’m no joker
It’s real good, your assistant told me so
And if you don’t sign me, I’ll choke her
Oh A-G-E-N-T I need you so
You’re out of your mind thinking that I’ll sign you, oh Dude
Your story sucks and worse, you smell like swine poo, oh Dude
I’ll find a new assistant if I have to, oh Dude
I’ve one thing to say and that’s
Dude, I’m mad I ever met you
Oh, Dude, oh dammit!
I’m mad, d’oh Agent!
At you, I need you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
There’s one thing left to do-ah-ou, and that’s
Go start a war over on Twitter
Where we'll rage at each other crass and bitter
We can both find your assistant and hit her
There’s one thing to say and that’s
Dammit, Agent, I still need you
Dammit, Agent; oh Dude, I’m… starting to turn around
Dammit, Agent; See? You need me too
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Jasper “Jazz” Dav is just your everyday, wisecracking, 3rd degree black belt, Beastie Boys loving, 12-year-old prankster. He even has the record for “most cherry bombs exploded in a single toilet” at his prestigious school. With his parents gone most of the time, his live-in nanny, Marjorie, is the bane of his existence. That is until he discovers Nanny Marjorie is not only a spy, but the head of the Paranormal Division of a super-secret government organization called, The NannySpies Network.
Jazz is thrust on the adventure of his life, miles under his home in Manhattan, in a mystical, hidden city called, Old York City, where he hears rockin’ new tunes from an all-werewolf rap group – The Howler Homies, tinkers with a tricked out iPhone that has Ghoulie Positioning System, and spends time goofing off with the 30-foot tall Demons of Mischief, all while uncovering a treacherous plot that could totally destroy the entire universe!
Armed with a quick wit, a penchant for disobedience, and a heck of a lot of soda, it’s up to Jazz and his new pals to save New York and Old York from the attack of the Murderous Drooling Mutant Spazoids.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The new website has blasted its way onto the internet in the tradition of Billy the Kid - its guns are blazing, it's relentless, it will conquer, and you will submit to its glory! Behold! http://www.bjasonroer.com
What will you find when you enter http://www.bjasonroer.com ?
#1. A stunning picture of Jaden with his ultra-hip daddy, taken by the greatest and sexy-smokingest photographer ever to walk this earth. She married Jaden's daddy and it's the only decision keeping her from a perfect record of decision-making gloriousness.
#2. Lots of info about Jaden's daddy. Most of it useful factoids for those who need ta know what I do. Some of it about a peculiar and disastrous incident in the snow. All of it spun with the kind of web-weaving, alluring narrative you've come to know from Jaden's daddy.
#3. This is a biggie - pay attention. #3 is: What the new book is all about. More importantly, what a pair of splendid and sassy young ladies thinks of the book. Everyone get up right now and BOW to Amy and Lori for their time, energy, and stupendous lyrical magnificence. Thanks guys!
#4. Links to all things mind-warping, dazzling, and in some cases - informative! This includes my blog, other's blogs, websites for writers, kid stuff - lots and lots of shiny, vivid, 9-dimensional kid's stuff!
Now how's that for a sizzling pile of solid-gold rockage?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Let's start here. Finished manuscript or not, I knew nothing about the publishing world. Film world? Inside and out. Publishing? Nada con queso. The cheese part was filled with super yummy awesomeness. The nada was like a deceitful, manipulative ex-girlfriend who flaunts her new "way better looking" and "supremely talented" fiancé in your face.
With limited contacts, I in fact knew but a single person in publishing, I was forced to use my sleep deprived, worn out, cob-webbed noggin on some serious action-plan planning. I didn't want to jump straight into the action plan itself - I'm too cautious for that. Scratch that, I'm too lazy. But I started planning, plotting, and scheming. My PPS yielded very little, while my continued lucky streak, which has lasted since the very minute I squirted out into this bright, big world, brought me the contact I needed.
New years eve 2008 offered another miraculous coincidence that I have had the luxury of enjoying for these past 33 years. Our fabulous friends, Jimmy and Jen, along with their daughter/Jaden's current fling-slash-chick o' the hour, Josie, were supposed to come over for a cozy little shindig. Triple J's is the nickname I've given the fearless threesome, and for a bit a trivia - that name later became the name for the fake company set up by Chris Kringle's parents to share his inventions with the world in the novel. Anyway - that crazy,defiant one-year-old Josie decided to stay out til the wee hours of the morning with her 3 cavorting gal-pals for like 4 nights in a row and ended up sick - puking, fever, yellow/green/brown/ mucus spewing yuckiness all over, kind of sick. What Jimmy and Jen had been putting in her bottle, I don't know, and don't want to know. Point is this - it was clearly a no-go on our celebration. Secretly I believe the universe simply won't allow that many people whose names begin with the letter J to congratate in a humble abode at the same time.
Being the swinging, ultra-hip, no-plan-having couple we are, Ellie and I needed somewhere to go. Our other friends, Melbolay (Melissa, Bob and Layla) were having a big ole bash at their apartment across the street and opened the doors to us slackers. In we went, and my career began.
Michelle Tessler is an amazing agent here in NYC with a) her own agency. Pretty sweet! www.tessleragency.com
Go check her out IMMEDIATELY if you write incredible non-fiction! b) a really cute kid. c) an enterprising husband who opened an online business with super yummy and healthy pizzas. http://www.unavoltahomemades.com
d) A wonderful smile that welcomes you to tell your story with ease, like you've been friends for years. She's seriously awesome and tireless in helping someone. e) most relevant - she's friends with Melbolay and therefore was at the New Year's Eve bash.
At that point, I hadn't finished my tweaks with draft 3, but Michelle and I spoke about it and she told me to send it her way when I was ready. As I mentioned, she reps non-fiction (and quite well, I'll add) so she wasn't going to be able to offer me representation. However, she said she had friends in MG and YA and she'd see what she could do.
Fast forward using the scan feature on your remote control and you arrive a few weeks later, when I was ready to pass the manuscript along. Michelle and I sat down for coffee (actually she got tea and I opted for some grub. I'm never more than an hour away from a meal!) and discussed the book a little further. I picked her brain about everything publishing related. As you know, I had lots of catching up to do. At the end, I had lots of knowledge about how to find an agent, how to write a query, and though unrelated to the actual book publishing process, how to pitch a story idea while having smoked salmon caught between your teeth.
After she read a bit of the MS, Michelle said she thought it was well written and entertaining, but that it was so far from her area she couldn't really give me any advice. However, she had two friends she thought I should send it to. Luckily, both of these friends were agents. Not that I wouldn't want her cleaning lady and nanny's opinion, but I figured an agent who worked with MG would probably be better suited to offer advice.
I sent out e-queries to both her friends.
Less than 24 hours later, I got a surprise response.